Terrible Poverty Is Loneliness (So Let Me Stay at Your Side)
by Ellory
Summary: When everyone and everything you loved slipped from your grasp, how could you not turn to the one who always loved you and never pushed you away?


**Title:** Terrible Poverty Is Loneliness (So Let Me Stay at Your Side)

 **Pairing:** James Potter/Lily Evans, Charlus Potter/Dorea Potter

 **Summary:** When everyone and everything you loved slipped from your grasp, how could you not turn to the one who always loved you and never pushed you away?

* * *

Lily Evans hated the rain.

The icy droplets slipping down the back of her clothes made her shiver and huddle deeper into her coat. She bit her lips to keep from screaming obscenities.

What was the point in coming home for spring break from Hogwarts? Her family wasn't even here! One of the neighbors had to inform her that her parents and Petunia had left for France the week before; their projected return date wasn't until the day after Lily was expected back at Hogwarts.

"Do you hate me that much?" she muttered. Lily almost wished they did. It would hurt less than finding out they had forgotten about her planned visit home.

Lily swiped the wet hair that clung to her face and neck away. She could see her breath in small white puffs, and for a brief moment she wondered if she would ever be warm again. She hated this: the rain, the empty house … being alone.

Shaking with rage, Lily hissed, "Severus … you bastard."

It still angered her that when she had discovered her family's abandonment she had turned instinctively to go to his house, only to then remember his _betrayal_. Perhaps Lily could have eventually forgiven him for calling her a 'Mudblood,' _perhaps_. But she would never forgive him for befriending the racist Slytherin purebloods and buying into their ideology.

"I'm not lesser than any one of those bigots," she bit out.

After siding with him year after year during his boys-will-be-boys (which means stupid and petty) spats with the Marauders, Severus turned on her.

Lily could forgive many things. Betrayal wasn't one of them.

The word brought her family to mind. It hurt. "If I could use my magic, I'd burn the bloody house down. Maybe they'd notice that!" Ever since Petunia had been refused a place at Hogwarts, her sister had been bitter and spiteful. And even though Lily made sure to write her family a long letter every week, their replies were sporadic at best.

She kicked a lamppost hard enough her toes ached. "I wonder if they even remember they have a second daughter." Lily didn't cry; she was all out of tears. She had spent too much time trying to hold her broken family together. Lily was tired. No matter how tightly she clung, the other three just kept moving away from her faster than she could pull them back.

Anger, though, Lily had plenty.

So when her family started to spend more and more hours out and less time at home during her school breaks, it didn't take long for Lily to loathe going home. "If you didn't want two children, you shouldn't have had more than one!" she spat at her missing parents.

Lily was cold—it was hard to bend her fingers now—but did she really want to go home? No. She didn't. "No one will be there anyway." She almost flinched at the amount of bitterness in her own voice. She wanted to go home as much as Black did. Lily watched the passing cars, racing through the sodden streets, and snarled. Why had she thought that this trip home might be different? Was she really that stupid? That desperate? That naïve?

"What am I doing in the Muggle World?" Lily dragged a hand down her face in frustrated exhaustion. "I don't belong here."

"Evans."

Lily froze; she would recognize that voice anywhere. But what in the world was Potter doing in Cokeworth? His presence made no sense at all! Lily looked up and met Potter's gaze. He held a garish, bright red umbrella.

She had no idea what to say, so she responded in kind. "Potter."

Potter's shoulders slumped. "Evans. What are you doing here?"

Lily blanked; Potter was annoying, sure, but he wasn't stupid. What was she doing here? She lived here! What was _he_ doing here?

"Well, you shouldn't be out in the rain; you'll get sick! Aren't you supposed to be with your family? You rarely get to see them. You must miss them a lot."

It always amazed her, every single time, how he was a completely different person around her. Potter treated her as well as he did Black. He _genuinely_ cared, instead of faking it; Lily could tell the difference. "They're not home."

"Oh." There was barely a pause before Potter asked, "Can I walk you home?"

"No." Lily didn't want to go back. Not now. It was almost dinnertime and she would have to cook a meal only for her. The thought of sitting in the dining room alone was almost too much to bear. "I hate being home alone."

"Okay. Well, why don't you come over for dinner? Mum and Dad won't mind. They always make extra and you can get warmed up." Potter smiled confidently at her and rocked on his heels, as if she hadn't ruthlessly refused every offer he had ever made to her.

Lily couldn't say no and turn him away, as she had when she was on Severus's side in the spats. She couldn't even think of an insult or dredge up righteous indignation. Potter was the only person who claimed to love her that had never abandoned her. And with how rejected she felt by everyone else meant to love her, she couldn't bear to reflect even a hint of that rejection on him.

"It sounds nice. Thank you," said Lily.

Potter looked gobsmacked. Then he smirked, grabbed her hand, and walked back the way she had come. His hand was warm around her cold fingers. The umbrella mostly kept the rain off of them, but Lily still shivered. She knew Potter could be awful, but he never was to her.

Lily knew Potter wasn't always nice, but neither was she.

"Hold on tight, Evans."

Before she could ask why, Potter hugged her. He had grown several inches recently; he was surprisingly fit against her as he spun them and Disapparated. She snorted. Of course Potter could illegally Apparate.

Lily sighed when they appeared in a warm room; it was luxe, but comfortably so. As Potter took off his soaked shoes and socks and piled them near the door, she copied him. "I'll take that." He removed her sodden coat and hung it up. The hot air felt amazing against her skin as she stepped closer to the blazing fireplace.

"I'm home!" Potter called.

An older woman stepped from the kitchen and smiled. "Welcome home, James." She looked at Lily and sighed. "She's soaked to the bone. Go get a change of clothes for her while I run a bath." She prodded Lily toward the bathroom.

"His name's James," Lily muttered. She felt so stupid for forgetting that. She had called him 'Potter' for years now. Severus had always called him 'Potter.' And his fellow Marauders always called him 'Prongs,' on account of his Animagus form … that she knew absolutely nothing about, of course.

His mother glanced up in surprise while the tub filled with warm water. "Yes, it is. You followed him home without…."

"I always call him Potter. I … honestly forgot his first name," Lily explained with a blush. She didn't want the woman to think she randomly followed strange men home.

Potter's mother laughed.

Lily dropped her wet clothes on the floor and stepped into the bathtub. It was the perfect temperature. She dunked her head under the water. By the time she came up for air, James's mum was gone and a new set of clothes lay next to a fluffy towel.

She languished in the bath until it turned tepid and her skin pruned. Lily dried off and pulled on the sweat pants and shirt James had given her. She chuckled at the slogan: Living Proof That Beauty Sleep Works. Sirius must have given it to him as a gag gift; they were constantly giving each other joke presents. She pulled on the huge, thick socks and smiled.

She wondered how long it would take James to realize she was naked in his clothes. The shirt nearly fell off her right shoulder. Lily's lips twitched. Not long.

Lily combed her hair, and then wrapped it around her wand and twisted it up to keep it out of her way. The smell of food had taunted her for the last ten minutes. She followed the scent and ended up retracing her steps to the kitchen.

"They fit. Good. James has broader shoulders, but you … well, you know." Lily had curves. A grin quirked her lips. "Come eat. Don't be shy. My name's Dorea and my husband is Charlus. "

Lily blinked in disbelief. She had never been called shy before; if anything, people told her to stop being so bold. She sat down at the only empty chair. "Thank you."

"Is there a reason why she's wearing _that_ shirt?" Dorea teased.

James flushed and glanced away. "It was on top of the pile."

"Of course."

Lily blew on the soup before tasting it. The flavors exploded in her mouth and she moaned her appreciation. The sound of a spoon bouncing off the table onto the floor made her gaze dart to James. He was almost as red as her hair. Interesting.

Dorea's smile widened. "I'm glad you like it. Now, who are you, dear? James hasn't even told me your name."

Lily swallowed her mouthful. "I'm Lily Evans. I—"

"Oh?" Dorea smirked. "Your name is Lily, is it?"

" _The_ Lily Evans?" Charlus asked, lips twitching as he glanced repeatedly from her to James.

She could only listen in stunned disbelief as Charlus and Dorea began listing things they knew about her. James had told his parents about her. Many of the things they mentioned where things she hadn't even known he knew about her. She had never realized how perceptive he was until now.

"Lily?"

"Hm?" Lily ate another spoonful of soup and glanced at James's dad. James looked exactly like him. _Exactly_. If James aged as his dad did, he would still be a handsome devil decades from now.

"Is there anyone at home we should firecall, to let them know you're staying awhile?" Charlus asked.

"I won't be missed," Lily said, and was mostly successful in keeping the bitterness out of her voice.

"Are you sure, Lily?" Dorea asked.

"Very." She covered up a yawn, though another one quickly followed. Lily felt drained. She valiantly tried to keep her eyes open.

"Why don't you stay the night? You look exhausted. James, take her to bed."

Lily wanted to protest that she needed to get home, but she didn't. She had nowhere to be tonight and a warm bed sounded amazing. Besides, the color James turned at his mother's words was hysterical. "Thank you." She nodded and trailed after James.

They passed door after door in the long hallways.

"This is my room," James said, pointing at a partially open door. Curious, Lily ignored whatever else he was saying and peeked inside. It was larger than hers and felt homey. His bed was opposite the wall with the windows. A bookcase littered with potions and defense books was stuffed to the seams. He had a desk that had schoolbooks and random pieces of junk piled on top of it. Posters of famous Quidditch players were plastered on his walls.

The bed was too tempting to resist. Lily stumbled a few more feet and tugged the covers down. She didn't care about brushing her teeth. An ear-splitting yawn emerged as she snuggled under the blankets.

"E-Evans?" James sounded vaguely like someone was strangling him. It was amusing. Sadly, she was too tired to properly enjoy it.

She set her wand on a bedside table, and then rubbed her cheek against a pillow that had to be stuffed with down. "G'Night, James." She thought she heard a sharp gasp right before falling asleep.

oOo

A loud snore jolted Lily out of a nightmare. It wisped away, leaving behind only a heart-aching question: Can't anyone love me and not leave me?

She blinked the sleep from her eyes and gazed around the bedroom with confusion. Where was she? She looked over her shoulder and stared at James, who was splayed on the other side of the bed. Feeling the chill of the nightmare, she shuddered under the blankets. The house was still except for his snores.

Lily slid across the ridiculously large bed to the other side, so that she could feel the heat from James's body. She snorted when James just continued snoring. He slept like the dead. Lily pulled the covers over her shoulders and sighed in relief when the last of the disorientation went away.

"Congratulations, James, you finally managed to get me in bed," Lily whispered, before clapping a hand over her mouth to stifle her snickers. The best part, the absolute best part, was that no one would ever believe him if he told. Merlin, even Black might tease him about excessive daydreaming.

She fell back asleep with a smile on her lips.

oOo

The rising sun came far too early. Lily squinted through the brightness and didn't move. She was warm and didn't want to get out of bed. Lily looked at James, who had wrapped her in his arms sometime during the night. His grip was firm and reassuring, though a little unsettling since she was so close to him.

"Wha—?" James blinked at her. She had never seen him without his glasses before. His eyes had gold flecks in them. "Evans?" A blush covered the freckles on his nose.

She smirked at his expression. He was adorable. "I think you can call me Lily now."

"Really?" James grinned at her.

Lily fought to keep a straight face. Perhaps it was time for someone to play a joke on him from a change. "We slept together; it'll be awkward if you call me by my last name."

James spluttered incoherently, the blush racing down his cheeks and neck. He lied back down and pulled the covers over his head.

Lily laughed, thinking he was trying to play off his embarrassment. Then he started shivering. She yanked the covers back and pressed her hand to his forehead; his blush darkened. "Are you sick? You were out in the rain yesterday." Her brow furrowed. "Why _were_ you out in the rain in the Muggle world yesterday?"

He leapt out of bed and kept his back to her. "I'm fine! It's nothing!" James ran into the bathroom across the hall.

A smirk curled her lips. Oh, she very much doubted it was _nothing_. And she doubted even more that he was sick from being out in the rain with that reaction.

"There's another bathroom just here, dear," Dorea said, as she beckoned Lily out of James's room. She didn't say a single word about where Lily had slept, but the way her lips kept twitching told Lily all she needed to know.

"Thank you." Lily nodded to Dorea and got ready for the day. She reluctantly removed James's clothes and put on the ones she had worn the day before. They felt softer and warm on her skin, as if they had just come from the dryer. The Potters probably had excellent house-elves.

James leaned on the wall opposite her as she left the bathroom. He looked at what she was wearing and pouted. "I like you in my clothes," he muttered.

"I'll bet you do."

He sighed theatrically and said, "It's time for breakfast. Follow me so you don't get lost."

Lily rolled her eyes and followed him. She called out a greeting to James's parents as she sat down to breakfast. "Good morning."

"Good morning. What're your plans for the day?" Charlus asked.

Lily's fork almost fell from her grasp. When was the last time her dad had asked her that? She couldn't remember.

"I'm meeting up with Sirius in Diagon Alley," James said, when Lily was quiet a little too long. "I figured I'd show Lily to the library first; she loves books."

"That sounds perfect," Lily said. The Potters were famous for all of their advancements in Potions. She was dying to see their library. They must have so many rare and obscure journals she could study!

Lily ate quickly, and then she grabbed James's hand and yanked him to his feet. "C'mon." She absently thanked Dorea and Charlus for breakfast. The warmth of James's hand, and how big it was, was distracting.

"This way, Lily," he declared, before tugging her along. His cheeks were dusted with pink.

She gazed at the bright blue sky out the countless windows as they walked. Lily glanced at James when they passed a clock. She knew he would probably be late to meet up with Black now, and he was taking the extra time to make sure she got to the library, when a house-elf or one of his parents could have shown her the way.

Her heart stuttered in her chest at the thought. James was willing to give up time with his best friend for her. Heat flushed her face as she stared at him. He was handsome. His dark hair flopped around, as if he hadn't bothered to brush it. His eyes, bright with excitement, were the color of almonds. He was lean and fit from Quidditch practice.

It was intriguing how tolerable he was when Severus wasn't around to pick a fight with him. James was interesting in ways he hadn't been before: like holding hands, eating together while talking, long walks in the rain, and sleeping together.

The Potter library was immense. "Thank you, James," Lily said as she gazed at the treasure trove of books.

"I'll fetch you after I get back and we can have dinner."

Did he just—? She smashed the elation when she realized the specific wording. He hadn't asked her on a date. When James wanted a date with her, he always used the word 'date' when he asked. "Are you sure? I don't want to—"

James sighed and squeezed her hand. "Look. You don't want to go home, for whatever reason. That's fine. My parents like you. They said you could stay for a few days if you wanted, but you should tell your parents where you are so they won't be worried about you."

"They won't be," Lily whispered. She didn't intend for James to hear it, but the narrowing of his eyes told her he had.

"What—?"

Lily shook her head and pulled her hand away. "Don't be any later on my account. Black will start worrying something awful if you take much longer." And a Sirius Black worried about James was a very scary Black.

"Lily—"

She sighed in defeat. "I'll explain later." Some things James refused to leave alone. Lily still wasn't sure whether she was flattered, pleased, or aggravated that she was a major one. "Just go, James. Have fun with Black."

Lily really didn't want to owl her parents. She didn't want to interrupt their nice, normal holiday to remind them they had entirely forgotten their second daughter. With how she felt on the topic, she wouldn't be surprised if the letter accidentally turned into a Howler.

"All right, I'll go." James took a step back, and then gestured to the whole room. "Read whatever you want. Try not to get eaten!" He ran back out of the library, laughter echoing behind him, before she could ask if he was joking or if some of their books were actually cursed to eat people who weren't Potters.

Lily huffed and wandered to the nearest bookcase. She trailed her fingers along the spines. Knowledge was at her fingertips, and she had never been content with the level she possessed. As long as there was something new for her to learn, she would never be satisfied with what she already knew.

She plucked an aged, leather-bound journal off one shelf. She traced the signature engraved on the cover. "All right, Henricus Potter, I'm ready to be your student." Lily smiled and fell into Advanced Potions Theory.

oOo

"I'm back!" James declared.

Lily looked up from Henricus's journal with a smile. "Welcome back, James." He blushed, which only made her smile wider. Other than a house-elf bringing her lunch, and Dorea taking Lily to her house so she could get her trunk and clothes, she had been in the library almost all day. "Did you have a nice time with Black?"

James beamed. He sat down across from her and babbled about what they had done until dinner, through dinner, and then until bedtime.

Shortly after Lily went to bed, James climbed in beside her and sat against the pillows. "It's later."

Lily huffed. "So it is." At least it was dark; some things were easier to talk about in the dark. "Hold me," she ordered.

James wrapped his arms around her and drew her close. "I've got you, Lily-Flower. I've got you." That startled her from her thoughts. When was the last time someone had given her a nickname?

"They're on holiday."

"What?" James's hand tangled in her hair and the other rubbed soothing circles on her back. "Who's on holiday?"

"My _family_ ," Lily spat. "They forgot I was coming home and left on holiday. Without me." She punched the mattress. "They don't love me anymore."

James snarled. "Then they're stupid idiots and they don't deserve you! How could anyone forget you? How in the bloody hell could anyone not love you, Lily-Flower?"

For years, Lily had tried and tried to fix it. She was tired of trying to mend something that ripped itself apart. James was right. Her family was a bunch of stupid idiots and she was done forgiving them. "Can I stay a while, James?"

He hugged her tighter. "As long as you want, Lily-Flower."

oOo

The next few days followed with a similar routine. Lily slept in James's bed and they would wake up in each other's arms. She didn't know if Dorea knew Lily was still sleeping with James even though she had been given her own room, but she didn't care. James was familiar and comforting and Lily liked him exactly where he was: by her side.

Lily had never given much thought to dating before getting to really know James, though many boys had asked her. He used to send annoyance and anger rushing through her. Now, James inspired entirely different emotions.

She had only spent a few days with his family, but she already felt like she belonged. They played games on Thursday nights, and went to a play or concert on Tuesdays. They teased each other and joked around. They talked about Quidditch occasionally, but it wasn't the center of every conversation. Dorea would read the society column of the paper in silly voices, and Charlus would order James and Lily anything they mentioned they wanted in passing.

James's entitlement made a lot more sense now. He was utterly spoilt.

Lily loved them.

For the first time, Lily wished that she didn't have to go to Hogwarts. She wanted to spend as much time with them as she could. She forced herself to not look at the clock, though she could hear the tick-tock of the second hand. The sound of time slipping through her grasp was horrible. Lunch was spent in the library, though Lily was rarely alone for it now. They had even gone on a lovely picnic in the countryside.

And every night when Lily asked him, "James, can I stay a while longer?" he always answered her saying, "As long as you want, Lily-Flower."

She was starting to think 'as long as she wanted' would end just about—never.

oOo

Lily normally didn't enjoy watching people play chess, but she liked spending time with the Potters. Besides, knowing how passionate Dorea and Charlus were, it would be more than a little amusing. She didn't hesitate to snuggle against James as soon as he sat next to her on the couch. The days when she slapped his hands away were over. Lily glanced at his parents to see if they minded, but they smiled and stared at the chessboard. She relaxed into him and tried to follow the game, while James traced a pattern on her leg.

"When I win, old man, you'll owe me something sparkly!" Dorea taunted, laughter spilling from her lips.

"Old man?" Charlus glared. "Old man! Oh, I see how it is, woman." He folded his arms across his chest. "And when _I_ win, woman, you'll owe me a kiss for every one of your many, many years of age."

Dorea glared and blew him a mocking kiss. "Can you even count to twenty, ancient one?"

For all the hostile body language and theatrical name calling, nothing could outshine the love and humor in their eyes whenever they looked at one another.

James stopped watching the game part way through and laid his head on her lap. She idly ran her fingers through his hair, ignoring the smug grin on his face as she did so.

"I know you're not sleeping."

James snorted against her jean-clad thigh. "I could be."

Lily rolled her eyes. "You snore."

James gave her a scandalized look. "No, I don't!"

Lily smirked at him. His expression was precious. "Louder than a Malfoy toddler whines after being told he can't have something."

"Now that's just a cruel comparison, Lily-Flower!" James mock-glared. "If it's so awful, why do you keep sleeping with me?" he demanded.

She opened her mouth, and then snapped it shut when she realized they had his parents' full attention. Even the chess pieces were staring at them with curiosity. Lily could feel the blood heating her face.

James stared at her, a thoughtful look she wasn't used to seeing on him. "Lily-Flower?" Lily didn't realize she was toying with his hair again until he caught her fingers and kissed them.

Lily's blush spread. She shoved his head off her lap. "Time for bed! I need sleep."

"Five more minutes." James pouted up at her, though his gaze was calculating. "I like it when you play with my hair!"

Charlus chuckled from his wingback chair. "I never thought I'd see the day James would refuse to go to bed with a beautiful witch. Especially his precious flower."

Lily wasn't sure who was more mortified, she or James. They both squawked and sped from the room.

That night, James held her tighter than ever.

oOo

Lily stared at King's Cross Station. She hated it. She didn't want to be here; she didn't want to go back to school. She wanted to stay with the Potters and pretend they were a family and never be alone again.

"Are you okay?" James asked.

She nodded, and then shook her head. Lily wasn't exactly sure what she was. She stepped into James's arms and inhaled his familiar scent. He smelled like the jam he always used at breakfast.

"What's wrong?"

Lily didn't want to discuss her sudden hatred of Hogwarts, so she said, "Family." He nodded as if that made sense. Maybe it did.

James followed her onto the Platform. She breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't race off to join the Marauders. Once she stopped glaring at the Hogwarts Express, she smiled at Dorea and Charlus.

"Thank you."

Dorea hugged her. "Don't worry about it, Lily. We're so glad you could stay with us; I've never seen James so happy in my life."

The train whistle blew.

Charlus kissed her forehead. "You're welcome anytime, Lily. I would never do anything to keep my son's precious flower away from him."

"Dad!"

Lily grinned. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this overwhelmingly happy. "I'll remember that."

Then she and James hurried to get on the train before it left. She stopped to wave at his parents as soon as she was on board, and couldn't help smiling wider when she saw they were still there and waving back. Her parents had always dropped her off and left immediately.

James's family was different. It was better.

Lily loved James's parents. They were amazing. For the first time since she was eleven, she felt like she was leaving home behind.

"Want to talk about it?"

Lily leaned into James when he came up behind her and nestled his chin on top of her head. "I don't want to lose this, James. I don't want to lose them." Lily took a deep breath and confessed a hard-fought truth, "I don't want to lose _you_."

James tightened his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. "What're you saying, Lily-Flower?" His voice was so hopeful that she ached in sympathy.

Lily turned around and kissed him. He tasted like raspberries. She threaded her fingers in his hair and tilted her head so she could kiss him deeper. His lips were chapped, but she didn't care. She loved that it was imperfect. Nothing between them so far had been easy. And perfect things weren't real.

She needed this to be real.

oOo

Hours later, Lily took a deep breath and stared out the window at the scenery rushing past. She had just broken up a fifth argument while patrolling. Being a prefect wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Thank Merlin her shift had just ended, or she might've started throwing prats off the train.

"Rough day?"

Lily's head whipped around. She startled so badly that she almost fell. "Black, you prat. Don't frighten me like that!"

Black chuckled and reached for her hand. "Come on—"

"Don't," Lily ordered as she stepped farther away. She glared at him. "You might be James's best friend, but you aren't James." Lily stood as straight as she could, hating that she was so much shorter than him. "Only James can hold my hand. I don't care if everything else that belongs to James belongs to you too. I don't."

He smiled at her then, and it was so soft and beautiful. "You'll do," Black whispered.

"Excuse me?"

Black gestured down the row of compartments and bowed ostentatiously. "Prongs isn't happy, Evans. And that's completely unacceptable." He winked at her. "He misses you."

Lily squeezed her eyes shut as her heart thump-thumped in her chest. How long had it been since someone last missed her after only being apart a few hours? Had it ever happened before? "Take me to him," she ordered. Lily followed Black.

Everything was different now. She didn't regret it.

"That you, Padfoot?" James asked, as Lily opened the compartment door. Lupin and Pettigrew weren't present; Lily didn't care enough about them to wonder where they were. "Did you find the Trolley Witch?" James didn't look away from the window as he twirled his wand.

Lily walked inside and huffed. "I'm hurt, James. Would you really rather have chocolate frogs than me?" Lily teased.

James gaped at her, blinked several times, and then gave her the biggest grin she had ever seen on his face. "Never!" She sat down and snuggled against his side, smiling as his arm instantly curled around her. "Welcome home, Lily-Flower."

She leaned up and kissed him deeply, only pulling back when Black started snickering. Lily laid her head on James's chest and breathed, "I'm home."


End file.
